We had new carpet installed in our house the other day and we love everything about it… well, almost everything. The color and texture are great but we could do without the flies that have invaded our house.

The 3 guys who installed the carpet were in and out of our place all daylong from 9am until around 4pm. They were very hard workers and they did a phenomenal job, but they left our front door wide open the whole day. It was easier for them to keep the door open than to constantly open and close it. I get that. But not only did our air conditioning fly out, but the flies flew in.

And much like bad tenants in NYC, they refuse to pay rent and they are nearly impossible to evict. Believe me, I’ve tried (almost) everything!

Typically, I am not a violent person. I’m not a fan of the death penalty or war or random or not-so-random acts of violence by any means. I live my life being nice… for the most part. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no angel by any stretch of the imagination – and mine is vivid. I have been known to have a pretty hot temper from time to time and I can be quite mischievous at other times. But I’m not out to hurt anyone or anything, physically or otherwise.

In life, I have acquired many mantras. One of them is that it’s good to do good and another is that karma can be a real bitch. Well this week I’ve tried being good and all my good karma has literally flown right out the window.

I have been pushed too far and now I must fight back.

Armed with a box of Rice A Roni and a water squirt bottle, I have become a warrior. Around these parts, I am the strong arm of the law to fly after fly after fly. Of course, I’ve done my best to give each one his (or her) chance at life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It’s the right thing to do. But while I have opened the door time and time again to let more than a few flies fly out, they have, more often than not, chosen to stay. One SOB in particular flew out but then chose to fly right back in! I got him though, don’t you worry.

I have asked nicely and when that didn’t work, I begged, pleaded. Please leave!! I have tried every trick in the book. I have even tried reasoning with them. But have you ever tried to reason with a fly??? They are beyond negotiation.

I can’t say that I blame them for wanting to stick around. The house is coming along nicely. We have food and air conditioning and, at times, a pretty sticky toddler. Plus, and I don’t mean to brag but, we have lights and they seem to really like lights. By fly standards, we are practically Club Med.

I’ve asked nicely. A few were cordial enough not to overstay their welcome. They left on their own accord. But the others are a bunch of jerks, taunting us every chance they get. They relentlessly land on and in everything. And I’ve seen The Fly. I know what they do when they land. Guh, gag me.

My husband has had enough too. In an odd form of hand to fly combat, he flicked a few dead with his fingers. I wasn’t aware of this gross but highly effective talent of his. But since he’s well aware that I’m not about to test his technique myself, he also hung some flypaper strips. Unfortunately, the only thing those stupid sticky swirly strands of ewy-gooey tape seemed to attract was us. Ick, can I tell you how much it sucks to walk backwards into one of those things and have it get stuck to your hair! It sucks royally. But you know what’s even worse? Face first. Oh that’s when I finally lost it!

Clearly the little buggers can’t take a hint. So now it’s time to get serious.

I am no longer playing Mr. (um, Mrs.) Nice Guy (Gal?). Whatever, you know what I mean. I’m in a serious, take no prisoners kind of mood. I got my water bottle filled and ready to go, and this box of Rice A Roni (chicken flavored, low sodium) is burning a hole in my hand. I didn’t think it would come to this but I may have to invest the 99 cents in a fly swatter. I’m about to whip out my chopsticks and go all Mr. Miyagi on your asses (do flies even have asses??).

Flies, your free vacation is coming to an end! If I hear one more bzz-bzz in my ear, I swear to God I’m plugging in the vacuum. Haha, it’ll suck to be you!

Heed my warning! Hear my battle cry! Get out and stay out!

This is war! And this time, I mean it.