Viv sat at her desk and stared listless at her computer screen at the dozens of unopened emails ready to be read. She desperately needed sleep but settled for coffee.

She’d spent the night being virtually spanked by two equally irritated friends: Liz via text and Joe via Facebook messenger.

Liz and Joe were both so happy when Viv introduced them to each other just one week earlier.

Viv rubbed her eyes, sighed and then clicked open a new email.

“Dear God,” Viv typed. “I promise to never attempt to set up friends, acquaintances or even complete strangers ever-ever-ever-ever-ever again. You know I meant well but I’m clearly a matchmaking moron. I accept that now. I also accept that you’re the only one who could possibly interpret the ridiculous things they say they want in a mate. I tried and failed! Please forgive me for my stupidity, find it in your heart to forgive me, give them whatever they say they want and end my suffering. Thank you. Your fan, Viv. ”

He must love dogs and hate cats

She must love cats and hate dogs

He must be able to swim

She must not mumble

He must have a job

She must be good in bed

He must be good in bed

She must sleep naked every night

He must never wear socks in bed or with sandals

She must never pee with the door open

He must challenge me without ever pissing me off

She must laugh heartily and sincerely at all of my jokes

He must be able to make me laugh without ever tickling me

She must never point and laugh at my penis

He must be incredibly romantic

She must have incredible tits

He must know when to be serious

She must know when to shut up

He must never tell me to shut up

She must never fart, burp or go to the bathroom except to powder her nose

He must never offer me a Dutch oven

She must love me for me and not my money

He must have lots and lots of money

She must give me blowjobs daily

He must love my friends but think they’re all too ugly and/or fat to picture naked

She must drink beer

He must have a huge penis and know how to use it

She must have the body of a Victoria Secret model but be completely down to earth

He must be well kempt and well groomed but not overly metro-sexual

She must be completely hairless from the nose down

He must be smart but not smarter than me

She must have a hot mom and it would help if her grandma’s hot, too.

He must not masturbate in public

She must have an adventurous side

He must not have any weird or disgusting eating habits

She must never order just salad while on dates with me

He must have a spotless criminal record

She must not have an STD

He must not be a pedophile

She must not be a stripper unless she’s doing it to put herself through med school

He must have intense eyes but not resemble a serial killer

She must get along with my mom

He must not be a mama’s boy

She must be the type of woman who I can see mothering my children

He must love children but not already have them

She must never bring up the topics of marriage or children

He must be ready to commit

She must love to cook

He must like to dance

She must love me for me

He must love me more than football