Viv sat at her desk and stared listless at her computer screen at the dozens of unopened emails ready to be read. She desperately needed sleep but settled for coffee.
She’d spent the night being virtually spanked by two equally irritated friends: Liz via text and Joe via Facebook messenger.
Liz and Joe were both so happy when Viv introduced them to each other just one week earlier.
Viv rubbed her eyes, sighed and then clicked open a new email.
“Dear God,” Viv typed. “I promise to never attempt to set up friends, acquaintances or even complete strangers ever-ever-ever-ever-ever again. You know I meant well but I’m clearly a matchmaking moron. I accept that now. I also accept that you’re the only one who could possibly interpret the ridiculous things they say they want in a mate. I tried and failed! Please forgive me for my stupidity, find it in your heart to forgive me, give them whatever they say they want and end my suffering. Thank you. Your fan, Viv. ”
He must love dogs and hate cats
She must love cats and hate dogs
He must be able to swim
She must not mumble
He must have a job
She must be good in bed
He must be good in bed
She must sleep naked every night
He must never wear socks in bed or with sandals
She must never pee with the door open
He must challenge me without ever pissing me off
She must laugh heartily and sincerely at all of my jokes
He must be able to make me laugh without ever tickling me
She must never point and laugh at my penis
He must be incredibly romantic
She must have incredible tits
He must know when to be serious
She must know when to shut up
He must never tell me to shut up
She must never fart, burp or go to the bathroom except to powder her nose
He must never offer me a Dutch oven
She must love me for me and not my money
He must have lots and lots of money
She must give me blowjobs daily
He must love my friends but think they’re all too ugly and/or fat to picture naked
She must drink beer
He must have a huge penis and know how to use it
She must have the body of a Victoria Secret model but be completely down to earth
He must be well kempt and well groomed but not overly metro-sexual
She must be completely hairless from the nose down
He must be smart but not smarter than me
She must have a hot mom and it would help if her grandma’s hot, too.
He must not masturbate in public
She must have an adventurous side
He must not have any weird or disgusting eating habits
She must never order just salad while on dates with me
He must have a spotless criminal record
She must not have an STD
He must not be a pedophile
She must not be a stripper unless she’s doing it to put herself through med school
He must have intense eyes but not resemble a serial killer
She must get along with my mom
He must not be a mama’s boy
She must be the type of woman who I can see mothering my children
He must love children but not already have them
She must never bring up the topics of marriage or children
He must be ready to commit
She must love to cook
He must like to dance
She must love me for me
He must love me more than football
The do’s and don’ts and the must haves and must not have …. hmm yes-no-maybe-i dont know….. roll the dice and see where it goes….just enjoy life………:)
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